Time and the the cynicism of adulthood has stripped away much of the affection I had for the cartoons of my childhood. Has the sheen of heroes and epic stories faded entirely, or was there truly great writing beneath the cheaply produced animation?
Here are the transcripted events of two original episodes of these shows. Judge for yourself whether they were truly brilliant or truly bizarre.
MASK (The Deathstone episode)
Scientists investigate a meteorite, armed with automatic weapons. The meteorite is "extremely" radioactive, yet has caused spontaneous plant growth all around it. Quote from one scientist "Looks to me like we have proof at last of a life giving meteor!"
A UFO appears and steals the meteorite, but it's really the evil VENOM. One of VENOM's men goes to steal the video of the event filmed by one of the scientists, but he is so taken aback to discover she is a woman that she manages to escape to a jeep. Two VENOM vehicles pursue her and the chase ends with her driving off a cliff into a river.
Cut to a large expensive mansion. The scientist is awoken by Matt Tracker, who offers to help and looks at her video tape. Tracker's computer analyses it and confirms that VENOM was involved. Meanwhile Tracker's son Scott and his robot T-Bob spy on the situation and decide they should help.
The computer chooses some members of MASK for the mission. Each of them immediately stop what they're doing when they're notified (including one in the middle of playing at a concert and one in the middle of teaching a class, which seems like a very disruptive strain on their lives). Tracker and the team head for the MASK headquarters.
Meanwhile, VENOM are experimenting with the meteor. It sponteneously grows plants when put near soil, but when cut into three pieces it kills the plants and melts the plant pots, just as their leader, Miles Mayhem, predicted somehow. They plot to sell each piece of the meteor to rogue states for fifty million dollars.
At MASK HQ, Tracker uses a radiation tracking satellite to locate the meteor. Then there's an elaborate ceremony where they each get their masks, which takes up nearly a minute of the show's 22 minute runtime. Then they all drive out in their vehicles.
VENOM puts each piece of the meteor into separate lorries as MASK closes in. MASK and VENOM tussle, including one scene where MASK uses a hologram to fool a homing missile, somehow. Best bit of eighties child friendly dialogue from a character faced with disaster: "Oh no!"
Meanwhile Scott and T-Bob have stowed away in the back of one of the MASK vehicles. Scott falls out and is rescued from harm by Hondo, one of the MASK team, who is then "badly hurt" (there's no blood and the specifics of his injuries aren't disclosed). MASK regroup but Scott and T-Bob slip away to track VENOM.
The pair catch up with Mayhem at one of the arms deals. T-Bob distracts VENOM while Scott uses the radio in Switchblade to call for help, accidentally then taking off and crashing the VENOM vehicle in the process. The bad guys fall into the ocean and Scott and T-Bob escape by stealing a truck.
The MASK team catch up with the other two meteor sales. Tracker goes after the last one being transported by air. He is intercepted by Mayhem and ultimately wins, but loses track of the plane in the process.
Back at MASK HQ the team have only two pieces of the meteor until Scott and T-Bob arrive with the third, which was apparently in the truck they stole. Tracker's response? "I don't know whether to hug you or spank you". The professor reassembles the meteor and uses it to heal Hondo. Then the meteor fades and stops working.
Just time for the Public Service Announcement at the end, which urges "when you run after a ball, always stop at a street to check the coast is clear both ways". Helpful.
He-man (The Cosmic Comet episode)
The backstory is explained during an introductory sequence, where Prince Adam transforms into his secret identity of He-man, who looks exactly the same but wears fewer clothes.
Two villains stand outside the much sought after yet dismal pile of rocks known as Castle Greyskull. Because a comet is passing, it means they can open the door with their eyes. Fortunately, He-man and his friends are waiting inside. There's some mild cartoon violence and both villains fall into Greyskull's muddy moat, otherwise unharmed.
A floating head appears to warn He-man that all is not over and to find a wizard who knows about the comet. He-man (now as Prince Adam) and Man-at-Arms convince the king of Eternia they should go on a secret mission with no other explanation. Teela and Orko go too.
Cut to Snake Mountain, where the defeated villains return to their master Skeletor, who starts a magic ritual where they all hold hands. They make a big ball of light that turns the comet white. Skeletor proclaims that it is now in his power and waves his arms in the air a lot.
Cut to Adam and friends travelling to find the wizard in Attack Trak, a self aware and somewhat ridiculous all terrain vehicle. Zagraz the wizard is delirious to have visitors. He explains how the comet was once two comets, but he tried to control them and accidentally destroyed one, and now the other is angry and evil. Also that he can't help them because he's useless.
Skeletor plots to use the comet but first commands it to dispatch creatures to capture Zagraz, in case he interferes. Prince Adam and Teela run from the approaching mini-comets, but Adam trips over a rock and hurts his head. The mini comets hit the ground and turn into creatures. Adam's cat runs away and he follows it while one of the creatures tries to grab Teela. She evades it but it proves immune to their weapons, even reflecting them back to stun her and Man-at-Arms. Zagraz tries a last ditch attempt to stop the creatures with his magic, which consists of him waving his arms and saying "away creatures". This fails to work.
Fortunately Prince Adam has deafeningly transformed into He-man. He punches one of the creatures into dust and smashes the other two together. Teela and Man-at-Arms wake up. Teela fails to recognise Prince Adam in different clothes. They grab Zagraz and head for Castle Greyskull.
With Zagraz safe, He-man and Man-at-Arms go to get Skeletor. Attack Trak announces they will arrive in about two seconds, which takes more than two seconds to say because it gives the exact number to four decimal places. Beast man appears in a plane and causes an avalanche but Attack Trak drives over it. Beast man comes back for a second attempt but Attack Trak shoots the wings off his plane. He crashes into mud again while shouting "Oh no".
Skeletor does some magic to get the power of the comet for himself, which requires holding Evil-Lyn's hand again. He jumps in front of Attack Trak and blasts the heroes unconscious but they disappear back to Greyskull somehow.
Cut to Castle Greyskull, where Zagraz has a plan to save them - make another cosmic comet and fill it with good energy to cancel out the bad cosmic comet. The Sorceress makes a new comet out of the bits of the creatures that Orko collected after the earlier battle, and everyone touches it to make it good, even though it feels a bit evil to start.
They finish and the comet is good and can even talk. Zagraz tries to make it fly but struggles, so He-man flies into the sky to slow down the evil comet. After a pep talk from Teela, Zagraz talks the good comet into flying into the sky and both comets smash together, before thanking our heroes and flying off into the sky, pausing only to buzz Skeletor, who was flying to see the destruction of Greyskull but spins away instead.
Back with the king and queen, Zagraz teaches Prince Adam how to make yellow balls float around his head, but he loses concentration and one chases Orko around the room. Everyone laughs.
Man-at-Arms pops up to deliver the moral of the story. We all fail, but we should never be afraid to try again. And keep believing in yourself. Try, try again. He signs off with some final wise words: "until later, bye".
