In which I remain calm and composed about the complexity involved in DAMMIT HOW HARD IS IT TO BUY A DECENT KEYBOARD
Disclaimer
Like many people I've been working from home since the pandemic began, thirty years ago. After a few months I decided I needed a better setup than balancing my Macbook on my knees while perched on an upturned bucket beneath the stairs, and started looking to buy an external keyboard.
This didn't seem like a complex problem to begin with. In fact, for many months I thought I'd solved it entirely, having bought the first thing online that looked reasonable. The catchily-named Mobility Lab ML311890 was cheap and cheerful - it bent easily and the keyboard surround didn't fit quite right - but it got the job done.
Until a few months had passed and I noticed that some keys had started to stick or not work at all. The B key was a particular problem - it would often repeat when pressed, so typing 'about' was immediately auto-corrected to 'abbott'.
So I set forth to find a replacement. And here, gentle reader, is where I start to foam at the mouth.
Second attempt
The second time around I put a bit more thought into what I wanted from a keyboard. Specifically, I wanted a full sized wired keyboard (the future might involve fewer wires, but not if it means buying replacement batteries every fortnight) that would support my reasonably fast typing speed and commonly used Mac keyboard shortcuts.
Despite sounding like a starter at Nando's, I selected the Perixx Periboard-323. It looked great - good keyboard layout, seemingly good quality, reassuringly obvious USB cable.
I'm sure the Periboard works well for most users but mine must have been dropped in transit because it didn't work properly in the most spectacular fashion - some keys didn't work, others produced the wrong character, delete only worked if Shift was also pressed, and it tried to eat a document I'd written when the delete key got stuck. Otherwise, five stars.
Third time's the charm
Now my options were getting slimmer. The remaining available keyboards seemed to be all wireless ones with coloured backlights, weird key shapes and other pointless gimmicks.
I opted for a Jellycomb something-or-other, compromising on USB connectivity for a built in rechargable battery. It seemed good until I discovered they'd combined the ~ and Z keys, which meant the Mac keyboard shortcut for switching windows within an application didn't work - at least, I tried every possible key combination I could think of, and it didn't work. I rely on that heavily and found myself stumped without it.
Apart from that I had little complaint, although the Enter key was a little small and I kept hitting \ by mistake. But anyway.
Four. Four's the charm. Surely?
Thanks to the wonder of modern deliveries, going from option 1 to option 3 had all happened within the space of a week (I'd ask how Amazon does it, but I think I already have the answer - their delivery drivers appear to be anyone nearby with a car). I was beginning to lose hope.
Glittering like a prize too good to be true, the slightly-more-expensive Macally SLIMKEYPROA hove into view. Wired, sensible full sized keyboard layout, and with no pointless lights, cupholders or inexplicable slot holding my phone. I waited for the delivery in anticipation, struggling to get through the day with the Jellycomb.
It finally arrived on my doorstep and created a moment of unexpected horror. The box illustration clearly showed no ~ key in the expected location, the one thing that had ruled out the previous contender. I went back in disbelief to check the image on my order, astonished that I could have made such a fundamental error. But there it was online - the keyboard I wanted, but had so tantalisingly been denied.
Assuming they'd sent me the wrong model by mistake, I carefully pried open the packaging to be greeted by - the exact keyboard I'd ordered. Minor feedback for the Macally corporation: saving money by putting a generic image on your packaging may cause harmful side effects to your customers.
Anyway. I plugged it in, it worked properly (a bar I'd formerly assumed to be low) and has been acceptable since then. I think I'm too suspicious of the apparently vindictive nature of reality to be more positive than that just yet, but we'll see.
Consumer advice
I'm not sure why I've written about this. It was something that I got a little bit obsessed about. I guess writing about it is a way of putting a line under it all and moving on with my life.
However, I am pleased to take away the gained knowledge that "ultra thin" translates in French to "ultra mince". At least, it does if you're a translator working for Macally. I don't really know.