In mid December I was very ill. I had a persistent and heavy cough and at several points, a fever. So I went for a coronavirus test. Here's what that experience was like.
Applying online
I can't say much about this bit, because someone did it for me. But it sounded relatively straightforward and didn't take a lot of time. It required a few personal details (phone number, email address, NHS number) and I got a text very quickly afterwards confirming the test booking, followed not long after by an email with a QR code in it, which was needed at the testing site.
My nearest testing site is around 20 minutes away by car. The application was made at 7:15pm and I got a slot for 7:30pm that same night. I was a little late for my appointment but it didn't seem to matter - I think the window was an hour.
At the drive in testing centre
The testing centre was situated in the park and ride for our nearest city. It was a bit confusing for a second because when I entered that as the destination in Google Maps it said it was closed, but of course that was referring to the park and ride, not the testing centre.
We found it okay and after a moment of uncertainty (the signage wasn't as clear as it could have been) we drove in. Everything was strictly aligned into a one way system, with various checkpoints. At the first, they wanted to see the QR code I'd had in the email. At the second, they wanted to see it again and put a form under the windscreen wiper. The lanes were quite narrow, so you have to drive carefully.
At all times we had to keep our windows closed. All the staff were wearing masks and protective clothing. Despite the cold, they seemed quite cheerful and welcoming, which was unfortunately difficult to reciprocate through a closed window.
After the second checkpoint we were directed into a specific queue and had to turn off the engine and wait. There were only two or three cars ahead of us, so we didn't have to wait long.
It was a slightly eerie experience - the staff wearing PPE and hazard vests, the makeshift tents and cargo containers being used as offices, all set in a darkened car park. It was like a scene out of a disaster movie, or something from the news. It would have been disquieting had it lasted longer or if this kind of thing hadn't become normal now.
The test itself
Once we'd got to the front, someone came and took the form from under the windscreen wiper and then came round to my side of the car to do the test. She was very friendly and explained what was going to happen, and asked me a few simple questions.
Sometimes you do the test yourself but they did it for me. First I had to blow my nose. Then I had one swab (basically a cotton bud) pressed into the back of my throat and immediately removed, then a second inserted quite high into my choice of nostril for a count of ten seconds. That part was a little uncomfortable, but it was over quickly.
And that was it. Despite the email I received at the start saying I would need some photo ID I wasn't asked for it, but your experience may differ.
The result
The test happened at around nearly 8pm on the Friday, and I had a text and an email sometime early Sunday morning to confirm a negative result. That was pretty quick.
Overall, the process seemed very efficient and well thought through. You might have a slightly harder time of it if you're unable to prove your identity as easily as I did, but hopefully if you have to go through this experience it'll be quick and simple.
Bonus: here's what getting a covid vaccine is like
It's now April, and I've had the vaccine, and this seems like a suitable footnote.
Getting the vaccine was quite straightforward. The website was probably quite good (in that I don't remember much about the experience, which suggests it was good - frustration is more memorable) and I got a reminder about my appointment.
Weirdly, I got a call the day before from an apparently unconnected part of the NHS to find out if I'd booked my appointment yet. My response was yes. That seemed to make them happy. They didn't want anything else. Oddly.
Getting in to the hospital was also straightforward, thanks to the volunteers posted at every turn to help point people in the right direction. Also there were posters everywhere telling people where to go. I had to queue for a few minutes, then I sat down in a chair and a guy stuck a thing in my arm really quickly and then I was done. Honestly, getting the jab was the shortest bit. I was sat down for about a minute.
Now to the interesting part - side effects. I had the vaccine around 2pm on a Wednesday and sat in the car for 15 minutes as instructed before driving home, but I felt fine. I still felt fine when I went to bed that night, although I was a little cold, but I might have just been cold.
Thursday morning I woke up with a headache. And then I couldn't stand up for very long. And then I went back to bed.
On Friday I felt much better.
On Saturday I discovered a large lump on my arm. All of this was fortunately fortold by the ancient prophecies, on the bit of paper they gave me. By Sunday night I was able to sleep on that side again.
And that was that. Your experience may vary.