Christmas with the rhino, 1997
A few difficulties with seating were soon rectified and all was going well, until dinner began. Admittedly, with hindsight, we would not recommend "Captain Fun's Whizz-bang dynamite cracker assortment" around large, easily startled mammals with a tendency to stampede. Uncle Roger was eventually coaxed down from the cherry tree but remains nervous to this day.
Christmas with the tapeworms, 1998
The discomfort of carrying a parasite was balanced surprisingly by a comfortable reduction in the feeling of bloatedness post-gorging-yourself-with-turkey. In fact, it was possible to complete the day without leftovers, which may or may not be preferable depending on your point of view. Although the conversation offered by our guests was virtually zero and painful procedures were required later to remove them, overall the experience was a positive one.
Christmas with the hyenas, 1999
Well. Never have I seen such appalling table manners. Whilst I agree that having guests who can out-howl any passing carolers (and scare them away, in some cases) is an advantage, I would not have them over again. I didn't even have a chance to begin carving the meat before they began devouring it. They also failed to bring any wine to the meal, which I consider to be the height of bad manners.
Christmas with the beavers, 2000
Astonishingly, we failed to anticipate the inevitable tree related problem. Fortunately, a fire crew arrived swiftly on the scene and was able to lift the felled pine without further incident (Uncle Roger suffered only minor injuries). Sadly, the luxury truffle assortment that the neighbours had given us did not survive the crushing. Alternative gnawing material was quickly obtained and our guests entertained us by building a small dam in the front room over mince pies and mulled wine.
Christmas with Flipper, 2001
Although not the original Flipper (starring only in the recent unsuccessful remake, rather than the original TV series) our guest was still more than welcome and proved an utter delight. True, converting the front room into a pool was an arduous task, but everyone agreed it had been worth it once Flipper began his post-dinner entertainment, leaping through hoops, standing on his tail, and leaping up for chocolate fish from the tree.
Christmas with the cobras, 2002
Unfortunately, early on in the proceedings it came to our attention that two of our guests had escaped from their container and were presumably wandering freely around the house. Only after animal control had been called did we notice that little Johnny had disappeared. After a lengthy search he was discovered unharmed, hiding in the bathroom, and we were all much relieved. Sadly, by the time our guests were located, next door's chihuahua had been partially digested. The lawsuit was lengthy and hurtfully personal.
Christmas with the dinosaurs, 2003
Following a lengthy and admittedly, somewhat alcohol-fuelled debate over the movie 'Jurassic Park', we decided to approach the problem from two separate perspectives. While John and myself busied ourselves studying the scientific possibilities of extracting partially digested DNA from the stomachs of mosquitoes encased in amber, Uncle Roger led the 'time vortex' development team to the local DIY store. After a few hours of research, we abandoned our particular area and decided to continue the work after the New Year. It was not until the explosion that decimated the shed and most of my rose bushes that we realised that Uncle Roger had not become similarly deterred. Sadly, the resulting rent in the space-time continuum proved unstable, and the last we saw of Uncle Roger was a dwindling and petrified silhouette. We decided that next year, we should perhaps simply get little Johnny the puppy he has been asking for.
This article was first published on the 26th of December 2005, on my site Brain Yak, which has since been discontinued.