I am not Optimus Prime, the leader of the heroic Autobots. I cannot transform myself into an inconspicous red and blue semi truck cab, nor do I cause surprise and alarm when I walk down the street, crushing paving slabs beneath my giantic robotic feet.
I do not possess the strength of a giant robot. I will not attempt to lift heavy objects while under this impression, for my back is not as strong as a steel locomotive.
I will not call my friends the Autobot names I have given them. I will not call Jeff 'Ironhide', and I will specifically not call Jack 'Wheeljack', or Timmy 'Bumblebee'. I will stop calling my nephew 'Rodimus'.
I will not sleep in the garage. Neither will I wake up each morning in surprise and alarm when I find myself in a bed. I will not try to drink motor oil with my breakfast. I will remember to wash daily, for I do not have a metal body that naturally repels dirt. I will not attempt to treat cuts and grazes with paint.
I am not capable of a top speed of over 200 mph. I will not refuse lifts from friends and neighbours on this basis. Nor will I stop by strangers who have broken down on the highway and offer to tow them to a garage when I do not have a car.
I will not respond to requests to carry out housework with the statement "we don't have enough energon to power a full scale assault".
I do not carry the power of the Creation Matrix in my chest cavity. I can not, for example, use it to revive roadkill or to bring life to crude robots made from bicycle parts and paper cups.
I will not depart from public places, particularly libraries, with a loud cry of "Autobots! Transform and roll out!". I accept that this causes considerable embarrassment for anyone who is with me. Furthermore, I will not throw myself into the street and attempt to transform, as I accept that to passers-by it appears that I am having a fit. I will not waste the time of the emergency services.
I am not from another planet. I will not refer wistfully or otherwise to my parent's house as Cybertron, and I will not give my address as the Ark, Mount St. Hilary.
I will stop using company property such as office supplies to augment my physical appearance. I will stop abducting people from Purchasing on the basis that they are "minicons", and I will stop referring to Gareth from Bidding as 'Megatron' and tackling him in the hallways whenever I see him. He must not be stopped, whatever the cost.
I cannot talk to cars, motorbikes, scooters, or household appliances. I will replace the cassette player that belonged to my brother that I smashed to pieces last week. I will not smile knowingly at the mention of any of the following words or phrases: brawn, beach comber, red alert, hound, prowl, sideswipe, mirage, jazz.
I will allow my family to pay for the laser skin surgery to remove the Autobot insignia tattoos from my arms, and I will take the three weeks paid leave from work, during which I will not watch any cartoons, and think long and hard about my actions.
This article was first published on the 14th of July 2006, on the site Brain Yak, which has since been discontinued.