Showing all articles matching rants

An open letter to car hire companies

A queue of people. Image credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/redwolf/3175343646/

Dear car hire companies,

It's 6am. I've been awake since 3am, but somehow in that time I've been on a plane for four hours. It was crowded and hot. I didn't sleep at all. I'm tired, I'm in a different time zone, I'm confused and more than a little frustrated. All I want to do is pick up my hire car and go. I just have one question.

Why is this taking so long?

Friday 2nd of February 2018

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How Windows 10 updates work

Windows 10

[Microsoft headquarters, some time ago. A group of monkeys are sat around a conference table.]

Chief monkey:
Okay, let's decide how updates will work in Windows 10.
Monkey 1:
Let's make them automatic and compulsory! All the time!
Chief monkey:
Great idea!

Tuesday 9th of May 2017

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The cost of sharing your website on social media

I built a webpage recently. It was mostly just SVGs and text, so I checked the total page size with developer tools and was pleased to discover it came in under half a megabyte. Efficiency and small page size! The Holy Grail of all frontend developers (it should be, anyway).

Then I remembered I had to add some social media sharing buttons. For historical reasons with the client, I chose Shareaholic's sharing buttons. Then I checked the page size again.

  • Initial size of page: 445 KB
  • Size of page after adding Shareaholic share buttons: 1504 KB

What. The. What.

Sunday 7th of August 2016

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An honest Valentine

My dearest Valentine,

Lacking enthusiasm in this period of forced romantic nonsense I nonetheless feel compelled by a cynical, overbearing greetings card industry to espouse some measure of my appreciation for you on this specific day and not rely in any way upon my general attitude towards you that I am confident conveys my feelings adequately. Heaven forbid that we allow our feelings for each other to direct our actions on any other day of the year. Let us instead concentrate all of our emotional overflow into this one day and express it through the medium of chocolate and overpriced bouquets of flowers.

Friday 14th of February 2014

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An open letter to all my utility companies

Dear utility company,

Because you're such a valued utility supplier, we your customers would like to make you a special, limited time offer. For only minus the cost of a letter and/or phone call to each of your customers up to several times a year, we can offer you a fully not-annoyed by unrequested interruptions customer base, representing a possible saving of hundreds of thousands of pounds per year, depending on how much junk mail you send out and how many unsolicited phone calls you make.

Tuesday 4th of February 2014

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