CBeebies episodes they'll never make

The CBeebies logo in front of a happy, cheerful rainbow

Or, how I automatically assume every episode of these shows is going to go.

Go Jetters

Grand Master Glitch is arrested for the multitude of crimes he has committed over the show's run, including theft, abduction, extensive property damage and wilful endangerment of people's lives. The Go Jetters go somewhere nice and nothing eventful happens.

Andy's Prehistoric/Safari/Dinosaur/Wild Adventures

Andy is inevitably eaten by one of the many dangerous animals he constantly stands next to, while cheerfully narrating his own bloody demise.

Sarah and Duck

Sarah is taken into care after social services gets wind of a seven year old living alone in a house infested with wildfowl and insects.


The Tinpo team arrive to solve a problem, but a passing engineer points out that none of their solutions would work in real life and claiming otherwise is breeding a generation of ignorance.

In the Night Garden

The show ends suddenly when Derek Jacobi finally snaps. He is last seen storming out of the BBC, swearing loudly at production staff and yelling about Shakespeare.

Kit and Pup

Kit and Pup investigate... firearms. International media scrutiny is brought to bear after the show takes a pro-gun stance for children. Discontinued.

Waffle the Wonder Dog

The gas company finally trace the source of the leak. Waffle's family slowly recover from the delusion that their dog can talk and is the centre of their entire universe, and start living productive lives.

Hey Duggee

The Reality of Life badge: the squirrels grow too old for squirrel club and become young adults, ultimately failing to live up to the promise of their young adventures. Roly becomes a used car salesman and drives his business into the ground, succumbing to alcohol poisoning aged thirty seven. Tag switches arts degrees five times before dropping out of college and becoming a busker. Betty abandons education to marry young, divorces quickly and has to take three part time jobs to pay the rent. Norrie works in a call centre complaints department and doesn't talk to her family. Happy lives in his parent's basement on anti-depressants.

Duggee is last seen on a beach in South Wales at daybreak, standing next to a pile of his clothes. Despite an exhaustive search the body is never recovered.

The Clangers

The Clangers encounter an egg-like object in space and bring it home to their cave, where it hatches to reveal a clawed creature that attaches itself to Major Clanger's face. Major resumes consciousness hours later when the creature apparently dies of natural causes, but then suffers convulsions as a serpent-like creature bursts from his chest before disappearing into the lower tunnels.

Small Clanger leads a party of the remaining Clangers into the tunnels to investigate, but the creature has grown rapidly and dispatches Granny Clanger and the Soup Dragon with ease. The surviving Clangers flee for the surface but are picked off one by one in the tunnels.

Tiny Clanger, the last survivor, makes it to the surface alone. The creature emerges from a crater but is briefly distracted by the Iron Chicken, giving Tiny time to escape. She runs back underground and locks herself in Major's laboratory, her ears ringing with the Iron Chicken's dying screams.

As the creature begins to tear through the laboratory's outer door, Tiny activates the planet's self destruct countdown and ejects herself into space. The creature is close behind but is ultimately caught in the blast and dies.

The episode ends with Tiny drifting alone in space, the visor of her spacesuit reflecting the image of hundreds more of the eggs floating in the void.

Two Clangers looking optimistically out into space, unaware of the terrible dangers that dwell there.


This article is tagged with