How to make a modern Star Wars film

A shot from Solo: a Star Wars story, shamelessly nicked off of the interwebs.

I just saw Solo: A Star Wars story and enjoyed it. Like Rogue One, it managed to take a relatively obscure part of the background to the original movies and make a pretty interesting story out of it. However, having now watched both of these films, I think I've figured out Disney's formula for making them.

Potentially spoiler-y stuff follows.

So it seems if you want to make a modern Star Wars film, particularly a non-numbered one, it should feature as many of the following as possible.

  • the cast should be racially diverse
  • the female protagonist should have a British accent
  • all Imperial officers should also have a British accent
  • one of the main characters should be a sardonic droid with a dislike for humans
  • the film should have little to no mention of the Force or the Jedi until right at the end when a Sith Lord should make a surprise appearance
  • TIE fighters that are clearly TIE fighters but somehow are slightly different to all the TIE fighters in previous films
  • as above but for stormtroopers
  • most or ideally all of the main characters should be dead by the end of the film
  • at as many points as possible, characters should be preparing for upcoming events by assembling or reconfiguring weapons
  • have something in the trailer that was cool that didn't make it into the finished film
  • jam as many weird aliens into the background as possible - not ones we've seen before, just make up some new ones
  • no one should trust each other, or if they do, it should turn out to be misplaced
  • scenes that obviously and deliberately mirror a scene from the original trilogy
  • there should be an unresolved or unrequited love story between at least two of the main characters - bonus points if one or both of them are dead by the end of the movie

Bonus points if you get in any of these Star Wars tropes...

  • at some point someone should lose an arm, or a hand
  • the main characters should go into a cantina at some point
  • hover cars/bikes
  • conversation between two characters where one is speaking in English and the other in an alien language (bonus points if it is unintelligable gibberish)
  • a relationship between a parent and their child that is strained by one of them being or doing something evil
  • a really short alien
  • a really tall alien
  • inhabited planets that appear to be completely inhospitable
  • Tatooine, or at the very least a planet that appears to be mostly desert
  • someone has a bad feeling about this

That seems about right. Okay, I'm off to pitch my idea for a movie set between episodes V and VI, about a diverse group of Rebel spies and their angry droid, and their desperate attempt to find out the Emperor's travel plans re: the second Death Star. Spoiler alert: many Bothans die. What's the betting someone's already working on that?

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