How Windows 10 updates work

Windows 10

Tuesday 9th of May 2017

[Microsoft headquarters, some time ago. A group of monkeys are sat around a conference table.]

Chief monkey:
Okay, let's decide how updates will work in Windows 10.
Monkey 1:
Let's make them automatic and compulsory! All the time!
Chief monkey:
Great idea!
Monkey 2:
Why?
Monkey 1:
Because then everyone has the latest version of Windows.
Monkey 2:
What if some users don't want that?
Chief monkey:
Why wouldn't they? Then they'd always have the new features and the latest security patches... it's going to need security patches, right?
Monkey 1:
[nodding gravely] Oh yes.
Monkey 2:
But what if some users want to delay updates until they're ready?
Monkey 1:
I can't imagine that happening. Also, just to be sure, once the updates have finished downloading, we should force a restart to make sure they're applied immediately.
Monkey 2:
What if users are busy using their computers and don't want to?
Chief monkey:
I don't see the problem.
Monkey 2:
What if they're using them for urgent work and don't have time to let an update install?
Chief monkey:
Look, I recently found out what the 'U' stands for in 'UX', okay? I know what I'm talking about. Let's move on.
Monkey 1:
Let's talk about the content of updates.
Chief monkey:
I assume we're going to continue to write completely vague and indecipherable information about the contents of updates?
Monkey 1:
I was thinking we'd just install the updates in the background and not tell users anything. That way they're not bothered by all that troublesome techy stuff.
Chief monkey:
Decision made!
Monkey 2:
But...
Chief monkey:
Next?
Monkey 1:
We can also use updates to make sure that our software features prominently.
Chief monkey:
Go on.
Monkey 1:
So, for example, we could make an update put Internet Explorer and Windows Store shortcuts back onto the taskbar if the users had removed them.
Chief monkey:
But no one uses those.
Monkey 1:
But if the icons keep reappearing...
Chief monkey:
Oooh, clever.
Monkey 2:
[sarcastically] I suppose updates could also re-enable OneDrive and reinstall all those random apps that no one uses as well?
Chief monkey:
Like that thinking. Hey, could we remove things from the Start menu as well?
Monkey 1:
Like what?
Chief monkey:
Well, maybe if the users had installed Google's Chrome-
Monkey 1:
[hisses]
Chief monkey:
Quite. Could we take that icon away?
Monkey 1:
Don't see why not.
Chief monkey:
Awesome! Just one thought - might we get into trouble for that? Wouldn't the government or someone step in to stop that kind of monopolistic behaviour?
[they all burst into laughter and roll around on the floor]
Monkey 1:
Ah, you crack us up.
Monkey 2:
Can we at least give users an indication of how long updating and restarting might take?
Chief monkey:
Interesting suggestion. Any thoughts?
Monkey 1:
That sounds difficult. How about we just put in some friendly but vague language like "this won't take long" or "nearly done"?
Chief monkey:
Hmm. How long does that mean, though?
Monkey 1:
It's ambiguous. It could mean minutes, it could mean hours.
Chief monkey:
Oh I see. But in actual fact it'll take-
Monkey 1:
[nodding] Hours, yes.
Chief monkey:
Perfect! Decision made.
Monkey 2:
Aren't we at all worried that people might get annoyed by all this and decide they might be better off without Windows?
Monkey 1:
I don't understand.
Chief monkey:
[scratching himself] You mean people who want to buy a Surface instead?
Monkey 2:
No, I mean-
Monkey 1:
I'm bored. Can we have bananas now?

[And so, they all had bananas, and lived happily ever after, until one day someone else came up with a half decent desktop operating system, and their entire world collapsed. The End.]

This account is based on true events. If you have suffered from Microsoft induced restart rage, please contact your doctor. Together, we can fight this terrible affliction and make sure no one ever suffers from it again.

Update

After I wrote this, the news broke that Microsoft have finally relented and decided to allow users to choose when their computer updates and restarts itself! Amazing. Sorry guys, I guess you're not all heartless monkeys after all.

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