Today I have been learning about how to apply for tickets to Wimbledon. I will not be applying for tickets to Wimbledon.
Are you tired of the internet giving you the ability to do things that otherwise would have taken much more effort? Then rejoice, for this process is for you. Here it is in a nutshell.
- Obtain a public ballot application form, by sending in a (specifically sized) SAE to Wimbledon.
- Wimbledon will send you the form back in your SAE.
- Complete the public ballot application form and return it.
- The ballot takes place. Exciting! If successful, you will be informed by post.
- If successful, you will be able to purchase your tickets through a secure website, or by posting a cheque.
- Tickets will be posted to you.
I'm not even remotely exaggerating this process - check this link if you don't believe me.
I count the need for 5 stamps in that overall process, with an optional one in step 5 taking the potential total to 6. I'm disappointed though - surely they could make this process more complicated?
- To read the rules of the public ballot, visit the ticket office between 12pm and 2:30pm Monday to Thursday, except on weekdays where the office is closed from midday. The ticket office will only open if you whisper the password to the correct elderly gentleman guarding the front door. If you do not know the password, return to step 1.
- Once you have read the rules, write a 3000 word essay on why you should qualify for the ticket ballot. Your essay must not include the words 'my', 'tennis', or 'ticket'.
- Return your essay via motorcycle courier. Note: essays must be fully bound in a leather cover and printed in Times New Roman, apart from every other word, which must be Comic Sans.
- Your essay will be judged by a panel of experts. Once they have concluded if you are worthy of tickets, you will be notified by carrier pigeon. Ensure you have included a carrier pigeon with your essay.
- If you have been successful, return to the ticket office. This time the password must be whispered to each of the elderly gentleman guarding the front door in the correct order. If you get the order wrong you will be asked to leave. If you mispronounce the password you will be asked to leave. If you dress inappropriately you will be asked to leave.
- Congratulations, you are now entitled to buy tickets! Send an SAE by carrier pigeon (not the one you used in step 4) including a cheque made out to 'Mrs Henry Stump' for the amount discussed in step 3.5. Do not pass Go. Do not collect £200.
What happens when your marketing department gets carried away
The other day I was looking for a new pair of fingerless cycling gloves on Amazon to wear in the summer. My search for 'cycling gloves' produced a large number of results. As I scrolled through them, I came across a pair that caught my eye.
"Fingerless Cycling gloves" said the title, and since the gloves in question seemed unadorned by needless frippery, I continued reading. According to the description, they were ideal for all kinds of sports, including "cycling, riding motorcycle activities and etc." So far so good. Optimistically the description also claimed they were suitable for "some kinds of work, such as lumbering and heavy industry". Um, really? "Heavy industry" is kind of vague, don't you think?
I was starting to get the feeling that perhaps someone's marketing department was getting a little over creative with the possible uses for these gloves - perhaps they weren't originally intended for cycling. My suspicions were further aroused by the 'Frequently bought together' suggestion - "Kombat Tactical Leg holster", and the "Customers Who Bought this Also Bought": "BESTEK Law Enforcement Army Military Paintball Airsoft Assault Combat Adjustable Tactical Vest", "Heavy Duty Swat Knee Protection Pads" and "Mens Army Combat Work Trousers".
As if I needed further evidence, one of the three asked questions was "are they good for parkour?" and one reviewer who described the experience of wearing the gloves whilst being shot in the hands by a BB gun.
Naturally, I'm going to have to buy them now, to get the full experience of feeling like a SWAT officer/parkour ninja/lumberjack whilst riding my bike, but it's just possible that someone needs to reel in their marketing department. If you'd like to read the details for yourself, click here.